Looking A Disappearing Gift Horse in the Mouth: What I Hate About Skyrim

Chicago?  Not anymore.  For the past month, I've been living in Skyrim.  I've climbed the slopes of the Throat of the World, I've fended off Dark Brotherhood assassins who randomly make pitiful attempts on my life.  I've crushed rebellions, looted dungeons, and ripped apart dragons limb from limb.  I've even shouted "Dovahkiin!!!" from my bedroom window as packs of birds flew off the roof of my garage in a startled frenzy.

It's been a wild fantasy joyride so far, and I'm sure to put many more hours into Skyrim before all is said and done.  As great as the game is though, I'm not without my complaints.  As a fan of open world games and Bethesda's games in particular, there are many aspects of Skryim that are lacking and leave me wanting to put the controller down and just sit tight waiting for the next Mass Effect game.  Let's discuss.

An all too familiar sight in Skyrim.  What you'll spend about
88% of the game looking at

TOO MANY DAMN DUNGEONS FOR THIS DRAGONBORN

Okay.  I get it.  One of the primary reasons that people play The Elder Scrolls series is to stumble across a cave or a crypt, slay whatever asswipe skeleton warrior or necromancer that gets in your way, and find really great loot.  But c'mon, Bethesda.  When I go to a place like The Bard's College, I expect to have quests that involve - you know, being a bard.  NOT FIGHTING MY WAY THROUGH COUNTLESS DUNGEONS FINDING FLUTES OF SUMMONING AND DRUMS OF ILLUSION.  A better option would be to, I don't know, break up the tedious dungeon crawling mechanic that you rely so heavily upon and put the player in some interesting situations that, you know, a BARD might find himself in - considering I signed up at a fucking bards college, not an archaeological dig.  Maybe I have to impress somebody with a song and dance, maybe I have to master some sort of musical instrument before an inn will let me play there.

At the start of nearly every quest, I know how it's going to end before I even begin.  It will end with me standing 4 levels below ground in some spooky Dwemer crypt over a boss corpse with a train of dead enemies running all the way back up to the surface while a shortcut door in the back of the room gives me quick access back to the surface world.  Break up the monotony guys, that's all I'm asking.  Actually, no it's not.  I have a lot more to ask.

Look in those beautiful eyes.  She's as
cold and lifeless as the mountains of Winterhold.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT COMPANIONS

Since The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion came out, we've seen two installments of the brilliantly innovative Mass Effect series hit store shelves.  One of Mass Effect's strong points is how interesting they make your companions.  They have personalities, histories, quirks, strengths, weaknesses - all making them not only helpful in a fight, but absolutely fascinating to interact with.  This was never a strong point in Oblivion, but Bethesda still had interesting companions using the same engine in Fallout 3 and even when it handed the franchise over for New Vegas.  Each companion had a story and a history, and the more you talked to that character, the more you learned about them.  Each character even had their own special quest that gave you more insight into who they are.  As far as I can tell, that's completely absent from Skyrim.

There's no character in Skyrim that's on par with Garrus or Grunt or Miranda.  My companion, Lydia, who is required to follow me as I'm the Thane of Whiterun, is nothing more than a mule to carry my loot.  I wish I had an actual mule, because that jackass would be a lot more interesting than this poor stone-faced bitch Lydia.  She repeats the same tired dialogue again and again, and as far as I can tell, has no unique ways in which she can be interacted with.  Again, dynamic companions have never been a strong point for The Elder Scrolls series, but if Fallout 3 and New Vegas can make interesting companions, then I expect the same from Skyrim.

So that's what he's been up to...

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS

How hard would it have been to include a barber shop or salon or whatever they called it back then where you can edit your character's hair?  Why do I spend 1000 gold pieces on a horse only to have it disappear on me and never return?  Why do characters constantly repeat the same lines over and over again ad nausea?  Why can't I have different weapon layout lists to add to quick equip list?  Why isn't there a survival mode like in Fallout where I have to drink and eat?

I DON'T THINK SHE'S THAT PRETTY

For being released a half a decade later, Skyrim doesn't seem like a huge leap in graphical quality over its predecessor.  I'm not gonna rag on Bethesda here too much because I don't know what kind of graphical limitations they were working with.  But when you get the chance, go up to a high vantage point and look down at the surface of Skyrim.  Do you see how you can very obviously see a pattern repeating itself over and over again?  The grass, snow, and rock textures very obviously repeat once you get high enough, breaking the illusion.  Which isn't a huge problem but I'm really surprised they didn't find a way to mask texture repetition.

The shadows tend to act really wonky too, sometimes convulsing and appearing jagged before correcting itself again.

Don't get me wrong - I love Skyrim and I don't mean to look a randomly disappearing fellating gift horse in the mouth, I just expected a little more from a studio and game series that I respect so much.  Bethesda - when you begin developing The Elder Scrolls VI, do us all a favor and pay more attention to what the Mass Effect series is doing - because what few things you're doing dead wrong, they're getting wonderfully right.